On writing and blogging...

I say that I am writer who doesn't write. I feel the urge. I even feel the talent. But beyond the occasional well-worded letter to the editor or a just-right level of snarkiness/wit/intellect in a Facebook post, few things ever make it down on "paper."

I have a renewed commitment to write. It may be therapeutic in a sweaty, physical workout, no-pain-no-gain sort of way. I need it to be therapeutic.

I'm presented with several challenges:

  1. Taking the time to do it. It feels like a trip to the dentist office sometimes. It's a necessary evil but hardly relished and looked forward to.
     
  2. The nagging preoccupation to write well. It doesn't matter if a reader would say "Damn, the next Hemingway!" It matters if my thoughts and feelings get dealt with BY ME.
     
  3. Getting in touch with my thoughts and feelings and then being honest with myself and the page about them. This is not something that is easy for me to do.
     
  4. Finally, publishing them here. I know many things I write will not be pretty and may reveal things about myself and what I think about those around me. These are thoughts I am inclined to keep hidden.

Why not just keep a private journal?

I'm already adept at keeping my feelings hidden. I am the master of doing what I'm told to do or doing what I am expected to do. I've done it all my life. And now I pay for that.

It is only by getting to know the real me and not hiding that person that the therapy will be successful.

Everyday I vow again

I vow again to feel better. To be in a better mood.
But my vow is hollow -- hollow just like I feel.
Depression - One Person Stands Alone
I tell myself that I will force myself to do things, to participate, to act. I'll act not how I feel, but act how I am supposed to feel. I'll be better off. At least those around me -- the people I care most about -- will feel better about me.
Instead I spread my misery like an infectious disease.
Would I, would those I love, be better off if I was simply alone?